08.02.22:

00:09 p.m:

i wish everything was as one plans in this life. i wish love was reciprocated when you love a person too much, what did i do to make you lose interest in me? i feel like a fool, mainly because it all happened so fast and because i trusted your words and hints. now i find myself crying, limply, i can't do anything else, my face is a mess. i've never been through anything like this in so long. it hurts me that you said you liked me and then you told me from one day to the next that you lost interest in me. what can i do? what should i do? obviously i can't do anything, you wanted to stay away from me, something told me that but i didn't give it any importance. i need your words to get ahead because you were always my emotional support, but what will i do now? i only trusted you and i told you absolutely everything because i loved you and i had a trust and affection for you that i didn't have with anyone else. i love you. i love you so much. i love you beyond infinity. but we can't be together. you don't want anything with me and i'm tired of trying to be together, of imagining futures with you, that we knew each other, that we lived together, that we formed a family, and now what? i've lost my fantasies in a matter of minutes and i doubt that anything will change. seriously i don't know what to think, my head doesn't work right now and i'm just crying until my head explodes. i love you. i love you so much, but we are impossible.

04.02.22:

11:57 p.m:

i feel that i love you, but we are impossible. you love me too, i know that, but we can't be together. why is love like that? people should love each other, not be afraid of each other, not recognise their emotions and not be together because of fear, insecurities. you are chilean and i am two thousand light years away from you, but i swear that for you i would move heaven and earth so that i can be between your arms, so that i can caress you and look you in the eyes, feel your touch, your skin against my skin. I feel like sometimes I don't really know you, you are a stranger, but I feel a very strong connection with you, your presence makes me so good and when you are not with me talking in a chat I feel a huge emptiness, you are like a part of me, my heart shouldn't belong to you, but it does. maybe we are not meant to be together in this life, maybe I am meant to love you, and I always did in every past life I had, but maybe, just maybe, in another life we can finally be together, our souls come together and finally live happily, being one.

11:50 p.m:

03.02.22:

10:30 p.m:

well, hello again, it's been a long time. i wanted to tell you that i have been doing well mentally, except for one thing: i became super self-centred and superficial, i was already very superficial before, but i became more so now that i have self-esteem. my ego got damaged, and because of that i find it hard to feel love and i feel more hate for those who destroyed my ego, i am trying to fill that hate with love because i don't want to resort to stop talking to someone so special in my life. I am also trying not to focus only on my own and other people's physique, to stop criticising people for their appearance, but I don't know, everyone in my family is superficial, it will be very difficult for me considering how I was brought up.

my psychologist has told me that this is a defence mechanism of mine to show security and not to try to get hurt, that makes too much sense to me. i also think i am superior to the rest, i don't know if i suffer from megalomania, but i have a bit of everything. I would like to be able to feel good one day without resorting to separating myself from the people I love, after all most of them have hurt me in one way or another, but I don't think the solution is to separate myself from them, it's up to me to improve and forgive them everything, I don't know why I have become like this, when did I become like this? I am trying hard to get better and be happy, but I just don't want to get away from the people I love, I don't want to accept it, maybe it's my comfort zone and that's why I don't want to get out of it, but I feel good like this, I feel that I can overcome without the need to separate myself from the people I love, I feel that it is up to me to forgive and heal myself, it is also up to me to stop being so egocentric because it is a self-esteem problem of mine, the rest can't solve that, the problem is mine and the one who pays attention to the words of those people, after all I decide if they affect me or not.

07.01.22:

04:34 p.m:

04:22 p.m:

today I started the day well, I had been listening to a lot of music with my mum and dad and I have also been delivering orders, but I don't know, I got very depressed afterwards, it's a pity because I had started very well, but well, a fall is normal.

05.01.22:

15:13 p.m:

it's really stressful to have your own mother disapprove of almost everything you do or say. i know i shouldn't pay attention to her, that it's my life and i should do what i want to do with it, but i don't know, it bothers me and hurts me deep down that she doesn't generally support me in what i love and do.

15:13 p.m:

i love you beyond infinity. i think about you every day and how i would like to spend my whole life with you, but well, you know i think it's best if we are nothing, or so i think, i think you don't want anything with me.
i feel so confused lately, but the only thing i definitely know is that i love you and i want your happiness no matter what. i was so excited to have a future with you, but well..., i can't do much anymore, i can't and i don't want to force you to be something you don't want again, even though it hurts me a lot not to be with you. i will be happy with you no matter what, even if we just talk as friends, although i don't deny that i miss your affection and the nice things you used to say to me. At the end of the year I am aware that I caused us to drift apart because of my insecurities, my jealousy and my low self-esteem and I am very sorry for that, mainly because I made you suffer and I didn't realise it, you had every right to have fallen in love with someone else after seeing how unstable and unattractive I had become.
Anyway, I just hope you have a good life and find love and happiness, because you deserve everything nice in this world. i don't know whether to send you this letter, i'm very nervous but at the same time very calm to have written it, i feel i've taken a weight off my shoulders. anyway, i just had that to say.

15:02 p.m:

i'm trying to see what else to add to this site, i feel like i don't have many ideas anymore and everything i want to do requires a lot of dedication, and tomorrow i'm coming out of isolation for covid, so i don't think i can dedicate as much time to this site as i would like to. lately i'm seeing that the people i used to follow on neocities (people within the TCC) have been disappearing, it's a shame not to have more contact with them, most of them were very funny and friendly. :(

04.01.22:

15:15 p.m:

i’ve fallen in love with you in every past life

10:35 a.m:

pspspspspspspspsps♥♥♥

10:30 a.m:

I tried to sing and I couldn't, the covid sucks! I can't even talk because I start coughing, I hope this won't damage my throat in the future, I want to start uploading covers to this page, and I can't! :(

01:43 a.m:

heeyyyy, it's meeee. it's almost two in the morning and i'm working on this site, i'm very happy, i think i've finally found the esétitca of my site, first i wanted to make it very '2000s', typical Y2K or webcore site, but in the end i'll stay with this one. i like it a lot, although i have to edit a lot of things and i don't have much battery in the computer. also my dad wants me to go to sleep, so with a lot of luck i'll be able to finish everything. see you later! i found this on tumblr and damn, its me

01.01.22:
04:42 p.m:
I want to live.
I want to get ahead.
I want to live. I want to get ahead. my borderline, my ed and my depression are not going to be cured if i don't make an effort; sometimes i feel very lonely, but i remember that ██████ and my mum are with me and it makes me very happy to know that. i want to get better for me, and a little bit for them too because i am sure they will like to see me happy. ██████ said to do it for me, and i do that, but i can't deny that he makes me so happy and he is one of the reasons why i want to get ahead.

01.01.22:
12:40 p.m:
my mom has been very depressed lately, i can see it in her look and in the way she almost doesn't talk, it must be because she didn't spend the holidays with her family because of covid, besides my dad yesterday was insulting her, saying that without him she was nothing or cursing her mom who already passed away. these are normal things that happen at home, but i have never seen her so sad, i would like to know how i can cheer her up or something....

12:29 p.m:

I want to feel love and pure passion, be the two of us, love each other madly and that nothing stops us. always be for each other, never argue and feel refugee and safe with each other, tell us our problems without judging us. i imagine forming a family and living happily with you, ██████, the love of my life, my halcyon boy. i also imagine that we are two artists, ██████ is a musician and me an artist, we live from art and we inspire each other, we breathe the same air and the same feelings. in my dreams we live in a small home but with a beautiful and big garden, with a small shelf for fish, you have your music studio and I have my drawing and painting studio; when we want to rest a little from each other we go to our happy places, then we come back and continue loving each other as usual. it sounds monotonous, but when I am very much in love I don't detach myself from the person I like, I don't get bored at all and I would never look at someone else or look at him with lust because I have him and I don't need anyone else because I am truly happy by his side. i have dreamt that i gave him pictures that i drew and painted for him, portraits of us, portraits of our children, of our pets. and he would compose songs and dedicate them to me, and i would read the lyrics every time i felt bad or felt that i had no more strength to go on. sometimes I dream that I caress your hair while we are lying on our matrimonial bed like the happy couple we are, we hold hands and we are in complete silence, the only sound present in that place is the beating of our hearts and our nervous breaths, as if we were never going to get used to it and it was our first time. i want to take you by the hand and be with you for the rest of my life until death do us part.

██████, i love you.